I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and one of the things I’ve found about myself is the extreme unwillingness to let go of many things and many people in my life. It’s sad really, because the things that once made me feel so happy linger on after everything has gone and past. People move on, people change, people stop caring and there’s nothing in my power that could stop these transformations. Relationships die off, things stop working; friendships, creativity, passion, love, hate, and sadness all go down the drain in the snap of a finger. Because of that, I find myself constantly thinking, “I’m at the beach now, but next thing I know, I’m going to be home.” Or, “Next thing I know, she is going to leave, and I’ll be alone.” I dismiss my present, consider the future but ponder on about my past. I live in it and I smile in its simple, yet pretty face.
Is my present always so shitty I can’t look towards the future? What the fuck makes me look back instead of looking forward and moving on like the rest? What? What is it? My mind yells to stop wasting my time on meaningless things and fragile hopes. Stop trying to hold on. Stop caring.
Time and time again, I have to convince myself people don’t care, no matter how they stand with me. It’s quite silly, really, but it is the only way I can deal with the painfully sweet memories of the past. This manner of taking care of things isn’t really wise, I know, but I don’t have another resort. I can’t ever stay in the middle. I either go full throttle or come to a complete halt. It really doesn’t make me feel better to do so but if I can’t control my willingness to move on, I have to crush these memories. Memories are just that, and no matter how much I reflect, it won’t make me happy right now. Right now, the present, is when I should be happy, and not just in my memories. Due to this unwillingness to let go I always end up falling back to my past; trying to get a hold of people; trying to fix things; and trying to revive things that have already been dissolved down to the ground. So shit fucks.